Well rub me in seasoning and slap me with a sausage

Yeah... Thats what I thought.

What the hell America? Is this what you have to offer?
European Scientists are smashing atoms apart, and you guys are running around breaking into houses and slapping people with sausages.

"A burglar who broke into a home just east of Fresno rubbed food seasoning over the body of one of two men as they slept in their rooms and then used an 8-inch sausage to whack the other man on the face and head before running out of the house, Fresno County sheriff's deputies said Saturday."

And what makes it even better, is that the suspect left his wallet with ID in the victims house...